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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield
194 Likes
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield
62 Likes
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield
65 Likes
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield
10 Likes
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
32 Likes
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And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Woody Allen
219 Likes
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Josh Billings
51 Likes
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Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler
243 Likes
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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bi....
Jack Nicholson
77 Likes
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My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Bob Hope
68 Likes
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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
19 Likes
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Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked doing a dance.
Kelly Osbourne
23 Likes
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Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
Matthew Broderick
68 Likes
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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
82 Likes
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Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
Joe Namath
71 Likes
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Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
Billy Connolly
53 Likes
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