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Bill Burr Quotes & Sayings
21 entries tagged including 1 subtopics.
Last updated Feb 2021
Bill Burr Topics
A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they're nice, but their stories suck.
The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
I am so pro-swine flu...I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
There's this critical point where you've stayed single for too long and your brain switches from 'You know, maybe I shouldn't say that.' to 'Eh, fuck it, say it, see what happens.'
Do you know how many times a week people ask me why Im yelling?
Fuck this Im going to get a pumpkin.
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel youre gonna get fucked up when youre around a trolly.
Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
I think racists know at this point that theyve probably got to keep their ideas to themselvesunless theyre at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio...I don't know that guy.
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross...I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20s, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'
Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo...it'll scare the hell out of them.'
You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know...the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
Whats up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit...guys killing their wives. I dont understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, dont they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole things gonna play out? Like, Im gonna kill my wife, then Im gonna get caught, then Im gonna go to jail, then Im gonna get fucked in the ass.
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, 'Smoke some crack!' 'Get a hooker!' And then I go, 'YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!'
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