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Bill Burr Quotes & Sayings
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21 entries tagged including 1 subtopics.
Last updated Feb 2021
Bill Burr Topics
QUOTES
A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they're nice, but their stories suck.
Bill Burr
8 Likes
The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
Bill Burr
5 Likes
I am so pro-swine flu...I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
Bill Burr
16 Likes
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
Bill Burr
14 Likes
There's this critical point where you've stayed single for too long and your brain switches from 'You know, maybe I shouldn't say that.' to 'Eh, fuck it, say it, see what happens.'
Bill Burr
22 Likes
Do you know how many times a week people ask me why Im yelling?
Bill Burr
13 Likes
Fuck this Im going to get a pumpkin.
Bill Burr
8 Likes
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel youre gonna get fucked up when youre around a trolly.
Bill Burr
4 Likes
Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
Bill Burr
11 Likes
I think racists know at this point that theyve probably got to keep their ideas to themselvesunless theyre at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?
Bill Burr
6 Likes
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio...I don't know that guy.
Bill Burr
20 Likes
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
Bill Burr
6 Likes
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Bill Burr
11 Likes
I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross...I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20s, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'
Bill Burr
9 Likes
Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo...it'll scare the hell out of them.'
Bill Burr
15 Likes
You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know...the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!
Bill Burr
17 Likes
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
Bill Burr
14 Likes
Whats up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit...guys killing their wives. I dont understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, dont they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole things gonna play out? Like, Im gonna kill my wife, then Im gonna get caught, then Im gonna go to jail, then Im gonna get fucked in the ass.
Bill Burr
43 Likes
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
Bill Burr
17 Likes
Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, 'Smoke some crack!' 'Get a hooker!' And then I go, 'YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!'
Bill Burr
19 Likes
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