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Bill Engvall Quotes & Sayings
21 entries tagged including 1 subtopics.
Last updated Jun 2020
Bill Engvall Topics
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that...discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was...gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, 'Dude, shut up.' She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes 'God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?' And all I could say was 'Yeah, I did!'
I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? 'No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!' And I go 'have you lost your mind???'
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, I go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by...OH MY GOD.! Were you on the ground? I said 'Nope, Santa was making one last run...'
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
I thought 'RV' stood for 'Recreational Vehicle.' No! It stands for 'Ruins Vacations.'
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!'
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.
I discovered two very important facts that day; Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
Go 'it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!' And my wife goes 'Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?',and I said 'Exactly!'
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.' So he goes 'Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?' Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said 'did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?' He left.
Hat's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.
I go 'I just want a cup of black coffee.' She goes 'Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy.' Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and...kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like 'here we go!' Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like 'what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?' I'm like, 'hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book.'
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going 'there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot.'
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