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Chelsea Handler Quotes & Sayings

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41 entries tagged including 5 subtopics.
Last updated Sep 2020

Chelsea Handler Topics

Drinking
Funny
Gay
Love

QUOTES

Everyone, calm down. I met with mr. Cent about a potential project. Theres nothing to report yet, ill let you know if there is.

Chelsea Handler

2 Likes

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Chelsea Handler

17 Likes

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

Chelsea Handler

9 Likes

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

Chelsea Handler

10 Likes

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Chelsea Handler

0 Likes

The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off...A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.

Chelsea Handler

10 Likes

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

16 Likes

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

Chelsea Handler

6 Likes

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

Chelsea Handler

37 Likes

I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

Chelsea Handler

3 Likes

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

Chelsea Handler

3 Likes

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler

25 Likes

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

Chelsea Handler

24 Likes

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

Chelsea Handler

13 Likes

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

Chelsea Handler

10 Likes

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Chelsea Handler

14 Likes

Men dont realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler

46 Likes

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

Chelsea Handler

8 Likes

The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.

Chelsea Handler

11 Likes

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

Chelsea Handler

7 Likes

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