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Emo Philips Quotes & Sayings
57 entries tagged including 18 subtopics.
Last updated Jun 2021
Emo Philips Topics
Men And Women
People always ask me, Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Well, I don't have an alibi.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
50th Wedding Anniversary
I Dont Give A Fuck
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