TOPIC
AUTHOR
Close
Search
Close
Search
Close
Search
Close
Search
EVENTS
MEMBERS
LOGIN
SIGN UP
Quotes
Topics
Pictures
Questions
Authors
Blog
About
Terms
Privacy
Sitemap
Get in Touch
Advertise
Removal Request
Subscribe
Contact Us
Social
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
Pinterest
Close
Submit Quote
Latest Quotes
Browse our latest quotes
Topic List
Categorized list of quote topics
Famous Authors
Alphabetical list of influential authors
Picture Quotes
Custom and user added quotes with pictures
Quotes
Questions
Submit Quote
Jack Handey Quotes & Sayings
click me
22 entries tagged including 13 subtopics.
Last updated Jan 2021
Jack Handey Topics
Life
Funny
Jokes
Friendship
Love
Life Lesson
Better Off Dead
Humor
Happy
Christian
Weird Love
Short
QUOTES
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handey
8 Likes
Life quotes
Short quotes
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Weird Love quotes
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Jack Handey
23 Likes
Funny quotes
Happy quotes
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Jack Handey
18 Likes
Funny quotes
Happy quotes
Christian quotes
Humor quotes
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
7 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Jack Handey
7 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Jack Handey
6 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Life Lesson quotes
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Love quotes
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
Jack Handey
11 Likes
Love quotes
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
Jack Handey
10 Likes
Love quotes
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Jack Handey
5 Likes
Love quotes
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Love quotes
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Love quotes
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Love quotes
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Jack Handey
74 Likes
Love quotes
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handey
10 Likes
Love quotes
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Jack Handey
21 Likes
Love quotes
Friendship quotes
1
2
TRENDING
TRENDING TOPICS
Jan 26
Best Friend
Birthday
Birthday Wishes
Blessings
Books
Breakup
Concern
Friends
Funny
Inspirational
Live For Today
Love
Motivation
Pain
Reality
Separation
Shit Talking
Song Lyrics
Sports
Uplifting
ABOUT
Terms
Privacy Policy
Removal Request
Sitemap
Contact Us
OUR GOAL
Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life.
© 2021 SearchQuotes™