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Jack Handey Quotes & Sayings

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22 entries tagged including 13 subtopics.
Last updated May 2020

Jack Handey Topics

Life
Funny
Jokes
Friendship
Love
Life Lesson
Better Off Dead
Humor
Happy
Christian
Weird Love
Short

QUOTES

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

8 Likes

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

33 Likes

Weird Love quotes

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

23 Likes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

18 Likes

Christian quotes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

9 Likes

Better Off Dead quotes

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

7 Likes

Better Off Dead quotes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

7 Likes

Better Off Dead quotes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

6 Likes

Better Off Dead quotes

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

3 Likes

Better Off Dead quotes

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

9 Likes

Life Lesson quotes

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.

3 Likes

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.

11 Likes

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

10 Likes

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

5 Likes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

9 Likes

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

3 Likes

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

33 Likes

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

74 Likes

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

10 Likes

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

21 Likes

Friendship quotes

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