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Jack Handy Quotes & Sayings
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38 entries tagged including 21 subtopics.
Last updated Mar 2021
Jack Handy Topics
Women
Funny
Richness
Relationships
Opera
Danger
Cowardice
Boxing
Animals
Angels
Love
Ambition
Death
Drink
Thinking
Books
Weapons
Money
Laughter
Weakness
Show more
QUOTES
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness
Jack Handy
17 Likes
Weakness quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
Jack Handy
29 Likes
Relationships quotes
Richness quotes
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
Jack Handy
12 Likes
Opera quotes
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
Jack Handy
16 Likes
Danger quotes
Cowardice quotes
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
Jack Handy
19 Likes
Cowardice quotes
Danger quotes
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Boxing quotes
I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe.
Jack Handy
25 Likes
Animals quotes
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Funny quotes
Angels quotes
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Ambition quotes
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
Jack Handy
7 Likes
Love quotes
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
Love quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Love quotes
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Love quotes
I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Jack Handy
11 Likes
Love quotes
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
Love quotes
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
Love quotes
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Jack Handy
7 Likes
Love quotes
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Jack Handy
3 Likes
Love quotes
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
Jack Handy
16 Likes
Love quotes
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Jack Handy
6 Likes
Love quotes
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