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Jack Handy Quotes & Sayings

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38 entries tagged including 21 subtopics.
Last updated Sep 2020

Jack Handy Topics

Women
Funny
Richness
Relationships
Opera
Danger
Cowardice
Boxing
Animals
Angels
Love
Ambition
Death
Drink
Thinking
Books
Weapons
Money
Laughter
Weakness

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QUOTES

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness

17 Likes

Weakness quotes

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now

29 Likes

Relationships quotes

Richness quotes

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals

12 Likes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

16 Likes

Cowardice quotes

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

19 Likes

Cowardice quotes

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other

15 Likes

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe.

25 Likes

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

15 Likes

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

8 Likes

Ambition quotes

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

7 Likes

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

13 Likes

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.

8 Likes

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

15 Likes

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

11 Likes

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.

13 Likes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

13 Likes

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

7 Likes

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

3 Likes

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

16 Likes

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

6 Likes

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