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Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings
72 entries tagged including 35 subtopics.
Last updated May 2020
Joan Rivers Topics
Funny Christmas Card
Being A Woman
Men And Women
Lying about having work done is such a put-down to women. It says to the average woman: 'I'm beautifully naturally and you're not.'
How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.
I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.
Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
Don't tell your kids that you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds', now go back to sleep.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Victoria Beckham is so nasty, Why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.
If youre going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then youd be an ass to come out and say youre gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? Im gay...It didnt matter anymore because he didnt have to bring in 16-year-old girls.
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door...or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
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