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Louis CK Quotes & Sayings
21 entries tagged including 2 subtopics.
Last updated Jun 2021
Louis CK Topics
I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just...Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...
You're all gonna die. Then you'll be dead for way longer than you're alive, like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. inds are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
'I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. And even the inside of your own mind is endless. It goes on forever inwardly. Do you understand? Being the fact that you're alive is amazing, you don't get to be bored.
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down...I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!
Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.
Look, it's some cunt coming out of that cunt's cunt.
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh...'
When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
I'm buying a Cinnabonat the airportI arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, 'Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now.' But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.
The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughedinto my mouth.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!
They charged me 15 dollars. That's how much it costs to only have 20 dollars.
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen.' That'll be a cool name for a kid. 'This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!' Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please!'
Getting Over You
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