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Zach Galifianakis Quotes & Sayings
21 entries tagged including 4 subtopics.
Last updated May 2020
Zach Galifianakis Topics
New Years Resolutions
Funny New Years Resolution
New Year Resolutions
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk 'I'll take it!'
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week, and there's only one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And they're like, 'excuse me?', and I'm like, 'Shhh, I can't hear Keanu.'
You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.
When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese.
I never really did the club stuff; I'm really kind of a wimp that way. I just stay mostly in Los Angeles and perform in front of people wearing ironic T-shirts. That or a few goth chicks.
I was talking to my mom the other day, and she called me a weirdo. It was the first time I'd ever heard her say that, and I told her that I thought she was weird. So we got that out of the way. I think that I could be in porno, but as long as I was flying my parents around, they wouldn't really care.
I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.
I feel that living your life in contradiction keeps one confused and happy... It makes me laugh when people miscommunicate. I like walking over bridges and hate Donald Trump or anything like him. The entertainment business is both poison and honey.
I am not really into porn. I have always wanted to go to a table read for a porn though. If I were to pick a genre it would have to be kitty porn often confused with you-know-what.
It was in the back of a hamburger joint in Times Square. I did a joke about not wanting to sleep on a girl's futon because it rhymed with crouton. I do not recall anyone laughing.
When I first got to L.A., I had a pretty good setup. I convinced a mechanic to let me live in an Audi that was waiting to get fixed. I'd drive it around for a while, then it would break down and have to be fixed again, which meant I got to keep it for a little while longer. It was kind of an everybody-wins situation, except for the poor lady who was waiting for her Audi.
I knew from day one, when the VH1 guys came in and said, 'Don't make fun of Cher, don't make fun of Sheryl Crow.' Whatever their rotation was at the time. I was like, 'Well, this isn't a good marriage.'
If I were 26 and this was happening, it would be all great, and I would probably buy like 17 Dodge Vipers. But right now it's just a major inconvenience.
My brother was torturous, I guess, but in a funny way. He used to say to me, 'I'm giving you a gag order,' then stuff his dirty underpants into my mouth. He used to drag me stark naked across the lawn, then hold me up by my ankles for the passing cars to see.
I love to do shows in unlikely places, because the audience's expectations are less fixed.
Wherever there's something that people don't feel comfortable talking about, that's where the good jokes are...A bad comic follows his audience, catering to whatever they want; a good comic will always lead.
A New Day
End Of The World
I Dont Give A Fuck
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