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Cowboy Dragging Jack Handy Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Cowboy Dragging Jack Handy" sorted by relevance. 1273 matching entries found.
Hate The Incompetence
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron! and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice. Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
They gave me the chaps and hat and everything. I looked like a real cowboy. I walked around the rodeo and thought, I am a real cowboy and thought everyone thought I was a real cowboy.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Long Distance Love
New Years Resolutions
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