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Jack Handy Birthday Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Jack Handy Birthday" sorted by relevance. 1995 matching entries found.
50 Year Old Birthday
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
It's your birthday! This significance of this day is beyond just your birthday. It is a celebration of someone that is loved and greatly admired. Happy 65th Birthday!
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