TOPIC
AUTHOR
Close
Search
Close
Search
Close
Search
Close
Search
EVENTS
MEMBERS
LOGIN
SIGN UP
Quotes
Topics
Pictures
Questions
Authors
Blog
About
Terms
Privacy
Sitemap
Get in Touch
Advertise
Removal Request
Subscribe
Contact Us
Social
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
Pinterest
Close
Submit Quote
Latest Quotes
Browse our latest quotes
Topic List
Categorized list of quote topics
Famous Authors
Alphabetical list of influential authors
Picture Quotes
Custom and user added quotes with pictures
Quotes
Questions
Submit Quote
Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings
click me
114 entries tagged including 36 subtopics.
Last updated Apr 2024
Mitch Hedberg Topics
Funny
Letters
Work
Acting
Dancing
Fashion
Self-awareness
Fathers
Photography
Laziness
Racing
Senses
Talking
Television
Friends With Benefits
Happy
Silly
Friends
Plants
Food
Show more
Life
Sadness
Women
Money
Inspirational
Comedy
Gambling
Girlfriends
Soccer
Arguments
Relationships
Boats
Bureaucracy
Camping
Sister
QUOTES
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fu.. is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
Food quotes
Sponsored Links
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
24 Likes
Food quotes
Funny quotes
Comedy quotes
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under D.'
Mitch Hedberg
10 Likes
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg
6 Likes
Food quotes
Comedy quotes
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, Please try again. because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... Come on Mitchell, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
Mitch Hedberg
351 Likes
Inspirational quotes
Sponsored Links
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under D.'
Mitch Hedberg
18 Likes
Money quotes
Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
Mitch Hedberg
38 Likes
Women quotes
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
20 Likes
Women quotes
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
Mitch Hedberg
83 Likes
Sadness quotes
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have s.. with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
16 Likes
Life quotes
Sponsored Links
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
35 Likes
Life quotes
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
71 Likes
Funny quotes
Plants quotes
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
63 Likes
Funny quotes
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
24 Likes
Funny quotes
1
...
3
4
5
6
TRENDING
TRENDING TOPICS
Apr 27
Attitude
Being A Girl
Change
Decision
Discovery
Emotional Abuse
Emotions
Fortune
Friendship Day
Good Morning
Good Mothers Day
Good Triumphs Over Evil
Joke
Kids Christmas
Life
Meaning
Motivational
Relationships
Secret
Sunday Morning
ABOUT
Terms
Privacy Policy
Removal Request
Sitemap
Contact Us
OUR GOAL
Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life.
© 2024 SearchQuotes™