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Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings
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114 entries tagged including 36 subtopics.
Last updated Apr 2024
Mitch Hedberg Topics
Funny
Letters
Work
Acting
Dancing
Fashion
Self-awareness
Fathers
Photography
Laziness
Racing
Senses
Talking
Television
Friends With Benefits
Happy
Silly
Friends
Plants
Food
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Life
Sadness
Women
Money
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QUOTES
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
5 Likes
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
2 Likes
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
5 Likes
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
28 Likes
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
0 Likes
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg
2 Likes
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
2 Likes
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg
11 Likes
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
8 Likes
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'
Mitch Hedberg
9 Likes
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
Mitch Hedberg
20 Likes
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said F**k it. Cut 'em up.
Mitch Hedberg
5 Likes
Food quotes
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