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Ambrose Bierce Money Quotes
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7 entries tagged Money quotes by Ambrose Bierce.
Last updated May 2024
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QUOTES
QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another --usually about as many times as it can be got there.
Ambrose Bierce
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Money quotes
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FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. The savage dies --they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire --we make the money fly In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. --Jex Wopley.
Ambrose Bierce
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Money quotes
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
Ambrose Bierce
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Money quotes
INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.
Ambrose Bierce
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Money quotes
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, His scriptural specifics this physician Administered --his pills so efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. But Slander's tongue --itself all coated --uttered Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. --_Biography of Bishop Potter.
Ambrose Bierce
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Money quotes
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FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person --a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case. When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see, Eve cried; Actions can't here be that way prosecuted. So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He went away --as he had come --nonsuited. --G.J.
Ambrose Bierce
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Money quotes
PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in reading character in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word dupe. The imposture consists in not reading it aloud.
Ambrose Bierce
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Money quotes
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