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I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Great Mothers Day
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