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My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
Robert Schimmel
5 Likes
5 Comments
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It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.
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I sit down with my daughter and I said, 'Do you know how babies get here?' And she said, 'Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant.' And I said, 'Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?' She said, 'Does the man pee on the woman?' I said, 'Sometimes, but that's $35 extra.'
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So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since high school and they go to the same college, and she calls me up one night and says 'Dad, I wanted to talk to you about Steve.' And all I can think is if she tells me she took it up the a.. I'm gonna drop dead on the phone. I mean what do you say to that 'Daddy, I don't like it in the butt.' Yeah, you and your mom both. So she says 'Dad, you know Steve and I have been together for a while, and he was wondering what it would be like to go all the way.' So I said 'Maybe I'll fu.. him then he won't have to wonder anymore.' See Steve that's what it's like to go all the way...would you stop crying?
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One of my friends goes: 'So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed.' Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: 'Hey, talk dirty to me.' She said: 'Go fu.. yourself.' Not that dirty.
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