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Demetri Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Demetri" sorted by relevance. 31 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Demetri Martin
2 Likes
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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
Demetri Martin
5 Likes
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin
2 Likes
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin
1 Likes
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
4 Likes
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Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
Demetri Martin
9 Likes
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri Martin
4 Likes
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
5 Likes
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
7 Likes
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin
3 Likes
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin
1 Likes
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin
4 Likes
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
0 Likes
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin
5 Likes
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin
62 Likes
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
Demetri Martin
21 Likes
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I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
Demetri Martin
8 Likes
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
Demetri Martin
2 Likes
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin
4 Likes
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
6 Likes
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