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Demetri Martin Quotes & Sayings
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31 entries tagged including 6 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
Demetri Martin Topics
Funny
Jokes
Work
Hunting
Swimming
QUOTES
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Demetri Martin
278 Likes
Funny quotes
Jokes quotes
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin
62 Likes
Funny quotes
Work quotes
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
Demetri Martin
21 Likes
Hunting quotes
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
14 Likes
Swimming quotes
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
Demetri Martin
9 Likes
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I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
Demetri Martin
8 Likes
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
7 Likes
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Demetri Martin
19 Likes
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
Demetri Martin
3 Likes
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin
5 Likes
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
5 Likes
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin
4 Likes
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
Demetri Martin
5 Likes
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri Martin
4 Likes
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin
4 Likes
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Demetri Martin
2 Likes
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
6 Likes
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin
1 Likes
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin
2 Likes
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Demetri Martin
2 Likes
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