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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
The best ears of our lives.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
A New Day
Better Than You
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