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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
People always ask me, Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Well, I don't have an alibi.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
50th Wedding Anniversary
I Dont Give A Fuck
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