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Emo Philips Quotes & Sayings
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57 entries tagged including 18 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
Emo Philips Topics
Funny
Adultery
Positive
Religious
Schools
Time
Murder
Crime
Luck
Women
Money
Men And Women
Forgiveness
Computers
Chess
Jokes
Happy
QUOTES
People always ask me, Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have s.. quite so often.
Emo Philips
15 Likes
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips
6 Likes
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
6 Likes
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
9 Likes
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I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Emo Philips
2 Likes
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
12 Likes
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips
6 Likes
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
2 Likes
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I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips
2 Likes
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
Emo Philips
5 Likes
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
0 Likes
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I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
0 Likes
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
15 Likes
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips
2 Likes
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May 07
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