Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings

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Total: 114 Quotes
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Suggest Revision: My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
 
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Suggest Revision: I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
 
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 Friends With Benefits quotes 
Suggest Revision: I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
 
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 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
Suggest Revision: 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Work quotes   Laziness quotes   Comedy quotes 
Suggest Revision: I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Television quotes 
Suggest Revision: Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Funny quotes   Television quotes 
Suggest Revision: I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Friends quotes   Talking quotes 
Suggest Revision: I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Senses quotes 
Suggest Revision: I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'
 
 Mitch Hedberg quotes 
 Sadness quotes 
Suggest Revision: Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
 
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Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
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