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Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings
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114 entries tagged including 36 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
Mitch Hedberg Topics
Funny
Letters
Work
Acting
Dancing
Fashion
Self-awareness
Fathers
Photography
Laziness
Racing
Senses
Talking
Television
Friends With Benefits
Happy
Silly
Friends
Plants
Food
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Life
Sadness
Women
Money
Inspirational
Comedy
Gambling
Girlfriends
Soccer
Arguments
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Boats
Bureaucracy
Camping
Sister
QUOTES
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
69 Likes
Funny quotes
Sister quotes
Sponsored Links
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
18 Likes
Funny quotes
Happy quotes
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
100 Likes
Friends With Benefits quotes
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
9 Likes
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
Mitch Hedberg
24 Likes
Work quotes
Laziness quotes
Comedy quotes
Sponsored Links
Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'
Mitch Hedberg
4 Likes
Television quotes
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fu.. would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fu..in' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bi...: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!
Mitch Hedberg
16 Likes
Funny quotes
Television quotes
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'
Mitch Hedberg
14 Likes
Friends quotes
Talking quotes
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'
Mitch Hedberg
8 Likes
Senses quotes
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
Mitch Hedberg
7 Likes
Sadness quotes
Sponsored Links
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'
Mitch Hedberg
27 Likes
Funny quotes
Comedy quotes
Silly quotes
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
11 Likes
Comedy quotes
Silly quotes
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...
Mitch Hedberg
20 Likes
Funny quotes
Racing quotes
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit**, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?'
Mitch Hedberg
8 Likes
Photography quotes
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
Sponsored Links
I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
Money quotes
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sh*t you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.
Mitch Hedberg
18 Likes
Fathers quotes
Letters quotes
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg
5 Likes
Letters quotes
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
Mitch Hedberg
10 Likes
Work quotes
Laziness quotes
Comedy quotes
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.
Mitch Hedberg
8 Likes
Friends quotes
Comedy quotes
Laziness quotes
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