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Jack Handey Family Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Jack Handey Family" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Jack Handey
7 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
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If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Jack Handey
5 Likes
Love quotes
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Love quotes
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Love quotes
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Life quotes
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handey
10 Likes
Love quotes
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handey
8 Likes
Life quotes
Short quotes
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Life Lesson quotes
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Love quotes
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Love quotes
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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
7 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Jack Handey
6 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Jack Handey
74 Likes
Love quotes
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Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Weird Love quotes
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
Jack Handey
11 Likes
Love quotes
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Jack Handey
63 Likes
Funny quotes
Jokes quotes
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Jack Handey
21 Likes
Love quotes
Friendship quotes
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Jack Handey
18 Likes
Funny quotes
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