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I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
You missed a crazy party dude. I woke up with glitter on my dick!
Nela; can you come and disinfect this please. I don't want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders
When I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they've seen me in, TV or whatever. And they'd say, you know, stuff, and a lot of times, I wouldn't hear what they'd said because I had headphones on. So, I kinda just go, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And I'd just keep walking. And this one guy said something to me one time, and I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And then right when I walked past him, I realized, 'Oh, man, that guy didn't say anything about the show.' He went, 'Hey, man, your fly's down.' And I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show. Glad you like seeing my dick pop out of my pants. Come back next week, you can see one of my balls.'
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey...why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.
My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. Theres candles in the car. You goIs that dangerous? and I go, Yes...but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, Aziz, your cars on fire. Arent you upset? I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.
Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
Dont Judge Me
Good Night Messages
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