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Woody Allen Quotes & Sayings
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171 entries tagged including 81 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
Woody Allen Topics
Chess
Happiness
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Failure
Luck
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QUOTES
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
24 Likes
Funny quotes
Death quotes
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I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife
Woody Allen
61 Likes
Cheating quotes
Infidelity quotes
The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought s.. was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
Woody Allen
26 Likes
Sex quotes
Bis..uality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
19 Likes
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen
30 Likes
Funny quotes
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Remember, if you smoke after s.. you're doing it too fast.
Woody Allen
44 Likes
Sex quotes
Funny quotes
Smoking quotes
I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
Woody Allen
22 Likes
Strong Relationship quotes
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up
Woody Allen
18 Likes
Success quotes
Don't knock mastur...... - it's s.. with someone I love
Woody Allen
21 Likes
Sex quotes
Funny quotes
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
25 Likes
Funny quotes
Chess quotes
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
15 Likes
Funny quotes
God quotes
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody Allen
27 Likes
Luck quotes
Failure quotes
Success quotes
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
13 Likes
God quotes
In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen
13 Likes
Funny quotes
Hollywood quotes
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen
15 Likes
Bad Day quotes
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen
21 Likes
Christian quotes
Funny quotes
Sleep quotes
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
19 Likes
Hilarious quotes
Love quotes
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
Woody Allen
14 Likes
Funny quotes
Marriage quotes
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen
25 Likes
Parents quotes
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen
26 Likes
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