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Dave Barry Quotes & Sayings
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202 entries tagged including 93 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
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QUOTES
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or to the atheists 'Look out for the wall!'
Dave Barry
14 Likes
Famous Holiday quotes
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You should not confuse your career with your life.
Dave Barry
33 Likes
Profession quotes
Work quotes
Life quotes
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barry
27 Likes
Dance quotes
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
Dave Barry
114 Likes
New Baby quotes
The problem with winter sports is that, follow me closely here, they generally take place in winter.
Dave Barry
34 Likes
Funny quotes
Winter quotes
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If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry
35 Likes
Funny quotes
Baby quotes
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry
6 Likes
Funny quotes
Girls quotes
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry
7 Likes
Youth quotes
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Dave Barry
8 Likes
World quotes
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barry
7 Likes
Work quotes
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The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Dave Barry
4 Likes
Television quotes
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
Dave Barry
15 Likes
Teenage quotes
Television quotes
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Dave Barry
3 Likes
Television quotes
Violence quotes
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.
Dave Barry
5 Likes
Funny quotes
Television quotes
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Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
Dave Barry
3 Likes
Teenage quotes
Television quotes
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One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet
Dave Barry
14 Likes
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Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on.
Dave Barry
3 Likes
Software quotes
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry
10 Likes
Teenage quotes
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
Dave Barry
6 Likes
Teenage quotes
Television quotes
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
Dave Barry
18 Likes
Teenage quotes
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