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Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings
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114 entries tagged including 36 subtopics.
Last updated Apr 2024
Mitch Hedberg Topics
Funny
Letters
Work
Acting
Dancing
Fashion
Self-awareness
Fathers
Photography
Laziness
Racing
Senses
Talking
Television
Friends With Benefits
Happy
Silly
Friends
Plants
Food
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Life
Sadness
Women
Money
Inspirational
Comedy
Gambling
Girlfriends
Soccer
Arguments
Relationships
Boats
Bureaucracy
Camping
Sister
QUOTES
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
Mitch Hedberg
38 Likes
Camping quotes
Girlfriends quotes
Sponsored Links
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
13 Likes
Girlfriends quotes
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sh*t you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.
Mitch Hedberg
16 Likes
Fathers quotes
Letters quotes
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
Mitch Hedberg
40 Likes
Funny quotes
Fashion quotes
Self-awareness quotes
"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F**k it. Cut 'em up."
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
Food quotes
Sponsored Links
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fu.. is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...
Mitch Hedberg
3 Likes
Food quotes
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'
Mitch Hedberg
13 Likes
Food quotes
Funny quotes
Bureaucracy quotes
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg
4 Likes
Food quotes
Comedy quotes
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky...
Mitch Hedberg
1 Likes
Dancing quotes
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'
Mitch Hedberg
5 Likes
Comedy quotes
Sponsored Links
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
6 Likes
Comedy quotes
Funny quotes
Acting quotes
Actor quotes
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch Hedberg
38 Likes
Funny quotes
Arguments quotes
Comedy quotes
Relationships quotes
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
Mitch Hedberg
12 Likes
Work quotes
Laziness quotes
Comedy quotes
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
7 Likes
Comedy quotes
Silly quotes
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.
Mitch Hedberg
6 Likes
Friends quotes
Comedy quotes
Laziness quotes
Sponsored Links
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
7 Likes
Funny quotes
Comedy quotes
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg
2 Likes
Food quotes
Comedy quotes
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
Mitch Hedberg
8 Likes
Funny quotes
Comedy quotes
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
Mitch Hedberg
19 Likes
Funny quotes
Comedy quotes
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
Mitch Hedberg
12 Likes
Camping quotes
Girlfriends quotes
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