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Jack Handey Revenge Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Jack Handey Revenge" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Jack Handey
7 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
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If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Jack Handey
5 Likes
Love quotes
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Love quotes
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Love quotes
They say REVENGE is a dish best served cold. They also say REVENGE is sweet. This means, basically REVENGE is ICE-CREAM.
Unknown
131 Likes
Funny quotes
Sarcastic quotes
Revenge quotes
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Life quotes
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handey
10 Likes
Love quotes
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handey
8 Likes
Life quotes
Short quotes
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Life Lesson quotes
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Love quotes
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Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Love quotes
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
3 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
7 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Jack Handey
6 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Jack Handey
9 Likes
Better Off Dead quotes
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Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Jack Handey
74 Likes
Love quotes
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Jack Handey
33 Likes
Weird Love quotes
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
Jack Handey
11 Likes
Love quotes
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Jack Handey
63 Likes
Funny quotes
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Revenge is not worthy of you. If you concentrate on revenge, you will keep those wounds fresh that would otherwise have healed.
Ritu Ghatourey
35 Likes
Revenge quotes
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