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Mark Twain Funny Quotes
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40 entries tagged Funny quotes by Mark Twain .
Last updated May 2024
Mark Twain Topics
Men And Women
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QUOTES
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
Mark Twain
17 Likes
Christian quotes
Funny quotes
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Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
Mark Twain
19 Likes
Christian quotes
Funny quotes
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain
31 Likes
Christian quotes
Funny quotes
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
Mark Twain
35 Likes
Friendship quotes
Funny quotes
Famous quotes
Time quotes
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Mark Twain
31 Likes
Funny quotes
Food quotes
Healthy Eating quotes
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Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Mark Twain
13 Likes
Funny quotes
Food quotes
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.
Mark Twain
49 Likes
Funny quotes
Baby quotes
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Mark Twain
4 Likes
Funny quotes
Music quotes
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
Mark Twain
41 Likes
Funny quotes
School quotes
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
Mark Twain
68 Likes
Funny quotes
Friendship quotes
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ...
Mark Twain
25 Likes
Funny quotes
Graduation quotes
Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was to be over again ten years later it is likely she would rather have a life-belt and he would rather have her have it
Mark Twain
3 Likes
Funny quotes
Heroism quotes
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain
13 Likes
Sports quotes
Golf quotes
Funny quotes
Sacred cows make the best hamburger
Mark Twain
6 Likes
Food quotes
Funny quotes
(Twain on Cain): it was his misfortune to live in a dark age that knew not the beneficent Insanity Plea.
Mark Twain
30 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
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The law of God, as quite plainly expressed in woman's construction, is this: There shall be no limit put upon your intercourse with the other s.. s..ually, at any time of life. During twenty-three days in every month (in the absence of pregnancy) from the time a woman is seven years old till she dies of old age, she is ready for action, and competent. As competent as the candlestick is to receive the candle. Competent every day, competent every night. Also, she wants that candle yearns for it, longs for it, hankers after it, as commanded by the law of God in her heart.
Mark Twain
17 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
Whatever a man's age, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his button-hole.
Mark Twain
17 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
We can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.
Mark Twain
9 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
Beautiful credit! The foundation of modern society. Who shall say that this is not the golden age of mutual trust, of unlimited reliance upon human promises? That is a peculiar condition of society which enables a whole nation to instantly recognize point and meaning in the familiar newspaper anecdote, which puts into the mouth of a distinguished speculator in lands and mines this remark: -- ''I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions of dollars.''
Mark Twain
12 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
Genius has no youth, but starts with the ripeness of age and old experience.
Mark Twain
44 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
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