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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bi....
Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked doing a dance.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Teacher Retirement quotes
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
From birth to 18 a girl needs good parents; from 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash. I'm saving my money.
Being A Father
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