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A wise man once said... relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.
Unknown
472 Likes
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Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy.
Unknown
704 Likes
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Unknown
112 Likes
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If a profile picture has two ppl in it, the profile belongs to the uglier one.
Unknown
1334 Likes
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Facebook is that insecure chick that keeps changing her hairstyle &/or color until she finally loses her mind and shaves it & scares everyone.
Unknown
520 Likes
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Are you free tomorrow? No, I'm fu..ing expensive.
Unknown
2521 Likes
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Facebook is like a relationship: Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their inbox...
Unknown
1239 Likes
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How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men...
Unknown
475 Likes
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The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...
Unknown
585 Likes
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A drunken man was dreaming that he died and reincarnated on earth as a chicken. He became heavy and tried to lay an egg! He pushed and pushed and laid the 1st egg, then the 2nd. He was pushing to lay a 3rd egg when his wife screamed ''James! You're sh..ting on the bed!"
Unknown
604 Likes
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Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
Will Ferrell
344 Likes
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Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Will Ferrell
1343 Likes
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Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to Go straight. haha
Will Ferrell
539 Likes
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In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.
Will Ferrell
1154 Likes
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If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.
Unknown
417 Likes
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Friends are like underwear, always near you. Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. Best friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.
Unknown
2145 Likes
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I feel like getting some work done, so I'm going to sit here until the feeling passes.
Unknown
310 Likes
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A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells him, Anything you say will be held against you! Then the drunk man yells, TITTIES!
Unknown
988 Likes
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When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
Unknown
1346 Likes
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That awkward moment when someone comments on a really old picture and you realize they were probably stalking your page.
Unknown
1534 Likes
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