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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
461 Likes
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When people say life is short. What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?
Unknown
401 Likes
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Mom, I'm going out. 'With friends?' No, with people I hate...
Unknown
184 Likes
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I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.
Unknown
301 Likes
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Sorry...I couldn't hear you over all the f*ck I don't give.
Unknown
223 Likes
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'Why were you late?' Cause the bell rang before I got here...
Unknown
170 Likes
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If you're going to be a smartass first you have to be smart, otherwise you're just being an ass!
Unknown
175 Likes
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Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume...
Unknown
224 Likes
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Do not touch MY iPhone. It's not an usPhone, it's not a wePhone, it's not an ourPhone. It's an iPhone.
Ritu Ghatourey
268 Likes
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A police officer asked me where I was between 4 and 5? I said kindergarten.
Kayla Knight
180 Likes
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My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.
Unknown
215 Likes
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I'd kick you in the vagina but I don't wanna lose my shoe.
Unknown
191 Likes
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It's raining outside. I should go update and alert all my friends on Facebook who don't own a window.
Unknown
170 Likes
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I hate people who say 'Age is just a number'...Age is clearly a word.
Unknown
170 Likes
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Sorry I offended you when I called you a bi.... I had no idea you thought it was a secret.
Unknown
168 Likes
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Sometimes on Facebook, I feel like I'm just talking to a wall.
Unknown
203 Likes
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I'm a few minutes late to class? Please, stare at me like I just killed five people.
Unknown
160 Likes
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I'm as bored as a slut on her period.
Unknown
223 Likes
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Having a sarcastic conversation with yourself when people are ignoring you.
Unknown
176 Likes
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Have a nice life ahh who am I kidding, I hope you get hit by a moving truck.
Unknown
342 Likes
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