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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes & Sayings
53 entries tagged including 32 subtopics.
Last updated May 2020
Jerry Seinfeld Topics
Death And Dying
Law And Lawyers
Men And Women
Doing Your Best
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
Did you ever notice how they have commercials on TV with detergents that get out blood stains. If you have blood all over your shirt, I don't think laundry is your biggest problem.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
I miss being on the stage with the gang, you know, and we would make up stuff sometimes and laugh and I miss writing with Larry. And there was a,we had a great feeling together. We really all thought we were, you know, we enjoyed each other's humor.
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me
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I Dont Give A Fuck
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