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Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings
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72 entries tagged including 35 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
Joan Rivers Topics
Funny
Ageing
Love
Humorous Christmas
Funny Christmas Card
Christmas
Religious
Twins
The Present
God
Gifts
Smile
Exercise
Birth Control
Being A Woman
Valentines Day
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Television
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Optimism
Advice
Food
Hilarious
QUOTES
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Joan Rivers
12 Likes
Funny quotes
Religious quotes
Sponsored Links
Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Joan Rivers
122 Likes
Valentines Day quotes
Ageing quotes
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
11 Likes
Twins quotes
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers
21 Likes
Gifts quotes
God quotes
The Present quotes
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
12 Likes
Smile quotes
Sponsored Links
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Rivers
2 Likes
Optimism quotes
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
4 Likes
Food quotes
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
5 Likes
Exercise quotes
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
8 Likes
Birth Control quotes
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again
Joan Rivers
6 Likes
Being A Woman quotes
Sponsored Links
Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Joan Rivers
246 Likes
Valentines Day quotes
Ageing quotes
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
0 Likes
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
2 Likes
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
4 Likes
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
5 Likes
Sponsored Links
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers
4 Likes
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
7 Likes
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
3 Likes
It's so long since I've had s.. I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers
0 Likes
It's been so long since I've had s.. I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers
4 Likes
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