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Emo Philips Quotes & Sayings
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57 entries tagged including 18 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
Emo Philips Topics
Funny
Adultery
Positive
Religious
Schools
Time
Murder
Crime
Luck
Women
Money
Men And Women
Forgiveness
Computers
Chess
Jokes
Happy
QUOTES
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips
22 Likes
Funny quotes
Happy quotes
Sponsored Links
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
22 Likes
Funny quotes
Positive quotes
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
44 Likes
Funny quotes
Religious quotes
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
57 Likes
Schools quotes
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
16 Likes
Funny quotes
Sponsored Links
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
7 Likes
Time quotes
Murder quotes
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
Luck quotes
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
9 Likes
Funny quotes
Forgivenes quotes
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
5 Likes
Crime quotes
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
6 Likes
Computers quotes
Sponsored Links
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
10 Likes
Adultery quotes
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
5 Likes
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips
0 Likes
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
4 Likes
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
5 Likes
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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
9 Likes
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
3 Likes
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
13 Likes
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
4 Likes
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