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Stephen Colbert Quotes & Sayings
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34 entries tagged including 18 subtopics.
Last updated May 2024
Stephen Colbert Topics
Truth
Iraq
Weather
Statistics
Reality
News
Funny
Humor
Government
Belief
Comedy
Heart
Press
Decision
Facts
Books
Welfare
QUOTES
Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know theyre being funny.
Stephen Colbert
491 Likes
Funny quotes
News quotes
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God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
Stephen Colbert
68 Likes
Funny quotes
Welfare quotes
Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. Whats wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.
Stephen Colbert
94 Likes
Weather quotes
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.
Stephen Colbert
9 Likes
Belief quotes
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
Stephen Colbert
8 Likes
Facts quotes
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Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe.
Stephen Colbert
6 Likes
Belief quotes
Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home.
Stephen Colbert
9 Likes
Decision quotes
Press quotes
Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.
Stephen Colbert
9 Likes
I don't trust books. They're all fact and no heart.
Stephen Colbert
4 Likes
Books quotes
Facts quotes
Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
Stephen Colbert
8 Likes
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I can't prove it, but I can say it.
Stephen Colbert
5 Likes
Humor quotes
People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want to be funny. I'm a comedian, not a political thinker. We're changing the world one factual error at a time.
Stephen Colbert
4 Likes
Comedy quotes
In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'
Stephen Colbert
3 Likes
I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
Stephen Colbert
12 Likes
Reality quotes
Statistics quotes
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
Stephen Colbert
2 Likes
Truth quotes
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I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Stephen Colbert
2 Likes
Government quotes
Iraq quotes
People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want to be funny. I'm a comedian, not a political thinker. We're changing the world one factual error at a time.
Stephen Colbert
2 Likes
Facts quotes
Comedy quotes
Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home.
Stephen Colbert
2 Likes
Decision quotes
Press quotes
You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians.
Stephen Colbert
1 Likes
Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
5 Likes
Humor quotes
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