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Sorry that guy you dumped is now rich and famous.
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Sorry even your gay friends will now be getting married before you.
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Sorry your horoscope didn't predict the change in your horoscope.
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Sorry your car isn't quite sh..ty enough for you to benefit from the Cash for Clunkers plan.
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My early condolences on not winning the lottery later tonight.
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Sorry not being allowed to work from home has forced you to adjust your masturbation schedule.
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Sorry there's no Instagram filter to make you look less drunk in photos.
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I feel bad for the flu if it has to spend time in my body.
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Sorry you have such a weird name and no celebrity parents to blame it on
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Sorry the guy you spent so much time pretending to like lost the election.
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Sorry you're too old to play your age as a Mega Millions number.
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Sorry a complete stranger is privy to your yeast infection.
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Sorry the joy of finding your soul mate will forever be tarnished by the fact that you met online.
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Sorry Bin Laden died in a mansion and you still have roommates.
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Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday.
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Sorry your decision to quietly change your relationship status was broadcast to every single one of your Facebook friends.
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Sorry Tim Tebow will just be another good-looking rich guy in New York City who won't have sex with you.
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Sorry health care reform probably means you'll live longer.
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If you need to talk, I will pretend to listen.
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