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Funny Twitter Status And Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Funny Twitter Status And" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So now I have to sit down when I pee.
Unknown
664 Likes
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I bet the NSA stopped monitoring your phone records after seeing they were all drunk dials to exes at 4 a.m.
Unknown
44 Likes
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If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive...take her to the gas station.
Seth Rogen
570 Likes
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Telling someone their breath smells without hurting their feelings...'Well I'm bored, let's go brush our teeth!'
Unknown
619 Likes
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May your daily meltdown be less public, drug-addled, and cartoonishly insane than Amanda Bynes's.
Unknown
29 Likes
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Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google, 'Grandfather Clock.'
Unknown
521 Likes
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I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...
Unknown
524 Likes
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Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans...
Unknown
265 Likes
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I hope the NSA is concerned about how often my mother calls me.
Unknown
42 Likes
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If I had to be any Kardashian sister, I would choose Bruce Jenner.
Unknown
61 Likes
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If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping...
Unknown
479 Likes
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Best of luck not getting murdered by the roommate you found on Craigslist.
Unknown
55 Likes
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Twitter is cool cause you can be sitting at home & it feels like you're out with people but without the bad breath, eye contact & moving.
Unknown
13 Likes
Twitter quotes
Every night for the last two weeks, I think about canceling Twitter. It's over. The only positive thing on Twitter is saying 'Thank you' and directing followers to something cool and important.
John Mayer
7 Likes
Do people with iPhones know that when they tweet their symbols on twitter it shows up as black blocks on other phones twitter timelines?
Jayde Nicole
2 Likes
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Dear Twitter, Sometimes I need more than 140 characters to describe what's on my mind. Sincerely, Everyone.
Unknown
51 Likes
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If someone favorites your selfies on Twitter, they're trying to get your attention.
Unknown
9 Likes
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I decided to burn some calories so I set a fat kid on fire.
Unknown
281 Likes
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Our deepest sympathies to Aaron Hernandez's fellow prison inmates on not getting someone as pretty as Tom Brady.
Unknown
47 Likes
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I will complain about my privacy being invaded by the government right after I update my dating profile to attract strangers on the internet.
Unknown
57 Likes
Facebook Status quotes
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