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Funny Daughter Funny Daught Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Funny Daughter Funny Daught" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fu.. would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fu..in' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bi...: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!
Mitch Hedberg
16 Likes
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Never in this life have I met a lady so beautiful, so elegant and so lovely. You are the prettiest of them all dear Mother. I love you. Happy Mothers day.
Unknown
173 Likes
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A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can tan take.
Unknown
27 Likes
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I did a scary movie called Venom about a year ago and my character was supposed to be a voodoo priestess daughter. That I didnt mind because of the character, but, I just didnt want to refer to God a particular way. Im a Christian, but not a religious Christian. Im just very spiritual. I have my belief system and anything I feel would be disappointing to God I dont do. But, it has to be my personal feeling not someone elses or my pastors or my moms. If I feel that its going to be disappointing to him, I wont do it.
Meagan Good
5 Likes
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun. The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have s.. for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, You're a surgeon, aren't you? Yeah, how did you know? The man says, I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started. Oh, that makes sense, says the woman. Youre an anesthesiologist aren't you? Yeah, says the man, a bit surprised. How did you know? The woman answers, Because I didn't feel a thing.
Unknown
341 Likes
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When a fat girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Ew, eat a salad." When a fat girl eats a salad, people think, "Is she trying to lose weight or something?" ..but when a SKINNY girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Wow, she eats and eats and never gains a pound." and when a SKINNY girl eats a salad, people think, "Why is she eating a salad? She doesn't need to lose weight." Like if you think this is true.
Unknown
447 Likes
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YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age. But yesterday I should have thought me blest To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the bleak And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, Where solemn shadows all the land invest And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame To stay the shadow on the dial's face At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name I chide aloud the little interspace Disparting me from Certitude, and fain Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. --Baruch Arnegriff It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was attended at different times by seven doctors.
Ambrose Bierce
19 Likes
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I sit down with my daughter and I said, 'Do you know how babies get here?' And she said, 'Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant.' And I said, 'Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?' She said, 'Does the man pee on the woman?' I said, 'Sometimes, but that's $35 extra.'
Robert Schimmel
4 Likes
There's tons of fans and we hear all of these high pitch voices and we hear 'Rah, rah, Taylor, Taylor!' All of a sudden I hear this deep voice behind me: 'Taylor, Taylor!' .... And this guy walks up to me and he goes 'Hey ... my daughter is a huge fan, and I'm a huge fan is there any way I can get a picture with you. I'm Jamie Foxx.' I was like, 'Are you kidding me? Can I get a picture with you?'
Taylor Lautner
12 Likes
At a certain point I had to work. I had to support my whole family. My father was, I guess, what we would call an impresario. He produced great, glorious shows, kind of like Las Vegas shows, in at the time the most famous nightclub in America, called the Latin Quarter. Many comedians still know me as Lou A's daughter. But like many great impresarios, my father died broke, and I supported the family from the time I was about 22 or 23. I had to work. And I had a sister who was older than I, who was borderline retarded.
Barbara Walters
9 Likes
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Happy Mother's Day to my dear wife. Wonderful was the day you entered my life. Happy Mother's Day to my daughter's mother for she is my friend and my lover.
Jim Milks
157 Likes
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There are two kinds of fathers in traditional households: the fathers of sons and the fathers of daughters. These two kinds of fathers sometimes co-exist in one and the same man. For instance, Daughters Father kisses his little girl goodnight, strokes her hair, hugs her warmly, then goes into the next room where he becomes Sons Father, who says in a hearty voice, perhaps with a light punch on the boys shoulder: Goodnight, Son, see ya in the morning.
Letty Cottin Pogrebin
220 Likes
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Mom, thank you for always being there for me. Not just for when I needed you, but for when I needed you most.
Unknown
22 Likes
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I cannot write music. I cannot play the piano. Jayne Meadows I just loved and love life. I love it today. Jayne Meadows I never look at a note. I just roam the stage. The people do not want to leave. Jayne Meadows I never say a funny thing intentionally. Jayne Meadows I respect his talents, even as he does mine. Jayne Meadows I was born and raised in China, and my parents were missionaries. Jayne Meadows I would write plays for my grandmother, who was stone deaf, my mother and the dog, that was our audience. Jayne Meadows Marriage, even the best marriages are tough. Jayne Meadows My father was a good preacher and had a little bit of drama. Jayne Meadows My mother was the dearest, sweetest angel. She didn't talk; she sang. She was a tower of strength. Jayne Meadows Steve is very quiet, even shy. I am very gregarious. So, opposites. Jayne Meadows The best people I know have had a lot of obstacles to overcome. Jayne Meadows There is only one secret. To love what you are doing.
Jayne Meadows
5 Likes
Look, I don't doubt his personal generosity. And I understand what it's like. When I was a little younger than the congressman, my wife was in an accident, killed my daughter and my wife, and my two sons survived. I have sat in the homes of many people who've gone through what I get through, because the one thing you can give people solace is to know if they know you've been through it, that they can make it. So I don't doubt his personal commitment to individuals. But you know what? I know he had no commitment to the automobile industry. He just, he said, let it go bankrupt, period. Let it drop out. All this talk...we saved a million jobs. Two hundred thousand people are working today.
Joe Biden
13 Likes
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HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments --a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling --tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility --these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ --4t
Ambrose Bierce
14 Likes
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Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity..
Unknown
10 Likes
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Dad you taught me the love of a father. In your arms I was always safe. You taught me selflessness. To you I am forever grateful. I love you dad.
Nishan Panwar
1910 Likes
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Wishing a special Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who have sons and daughters serving our country. From one blue star mom to another, we know first hand how difficult it is yet how proud we are to say my son/daughter is in the military. We stand proud as our children have made the choice to serve our country and to defend and protect our freedom.
Unknown
165 Likes
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I'd met Mick Jagger years ago when he invited me to his house in Malibu, but back then I was too gagged to my fu..ing ear lobes in coke and Tuinals. I was barely in shape to knock on the door. But this time it was very beautiful. The limo pulled into his tent in the tent city, and he had a crib there for his daughter. We hugged, and I told Mick, 'You don't know what it means to be standing here with you after all these years. It's amazing, because I woke up this morning and I got my weekly report from the office, and right next to Aerosmith at Number Two in airplay R&R is the Stones album at Number One.' Of course, deep inside I'm thinking to myself, 'And watch out, because we're going to knock you right off the charts, motherfu..er.
Aerosmith
10 Likes
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