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Jack Handy Uncle Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Jack Handy Uncle" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Unknown
1973 Likes
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When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Jack Handey
63 Likes
Funny quotes
Jokes quotes
Supernanny has come in handy...I do a little Super-Uncle-Nanny thing with the kids.
Vince Vaughn
0 Likes
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Jack Handy
7 Likes
Love quotes
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
Love quotes
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One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
Love quotes
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Jack Handy
3 Likes
Love quotes
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars
Jack Handy
5 Likes
Thinking quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Love quotes
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Boxing quotes
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handy
16 Likes
Laughter quotes
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
Jack Handy
12 Likes
Opera quotes
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
Jack Handy
19 Likes
Death quotes
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
Jack Handy
11 Likes
Money quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
Jack Handy
29 Likes
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I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
2 Likes
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
0 Likes
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Money quotes
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Money quotes
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Love quotes
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