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Funny Work Anniversary Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Funny Work Anniversary" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fu.. would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fu..in' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bi...: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!
Mitch Hedberg
16 Likes
Funny quotes
Television quotes
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Life has different perspective for different people. For some life is to enjoy, some live casually to make life easy going, some live for adventure, some explore it as beauty of living with nature, and for some it is a lesson. But at the end, you must ensure to make your life meaningful and make it worth living with positive impact on life with your endeavor to work hard.
Anil Sinha
47 Likes
Life quotes
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Well, President, you're...Mr. President, you're absolutely right, which is that, with regards to 97 percent of the businesses are not...not taxed at the 35 percent tax rate, they're taxed at a lower rate. But those businesses that are in the last 3 percent of businesses happen to employ half -- half of all the people who work in small business. Those are the businesses that employ one-quarter of all the workers in America. And your plan is to take their tax rate from 35 percent to 40 percent.
Mitt Romney
2 Likes
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun. The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have s.. for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, You're a surgeon, aren't you? Yeah, how did you know? The man says, I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started. Oh, that makes sense, says the woman. Youre an anesthesiologist aren't you? Yeah, says the man, a bit surprised. How did you know? The woman answers, Because I didn't feel a thing.
Unknown
341 Likes
Funny quotes
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When a fat girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Ew, eat a salad." When a fat girl eats a salad, people think, "Is she trying to lose weight or something?" ..but when a SKINNY girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Wow, she eats and eats and never gains a pound." and when a SKINNY girl eats a salad, people think, "Why is she eating a salad? She doesn't need to lose weight." Like if you think this is true.
Unknown
447 Likes
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YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age. But yesterday I should have thought me blest To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the bleak And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, Where solemn shadows all the land invest And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame To stay the shadow on the dial's face At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name I chide aloud the little interspace Disparting me from Certitude, and fain Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. --Baruch Arnegriff It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was attended at different times by seven doctors.
Ambrose Bierce
19 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book(Lady Chatterley, for instance), or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom(when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this(or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death
Anais Nin
37 Likes
Death quotes
My boyfriend wasnt in the industry by any meanseverything was very new to him. He kind of felt violated by a lot of people trying to always be in our business. Small things. Wed go out for a regular dinner and then want to go see a movie and Id be there signing autographs and taking pictures for 15 minutes and, for him, it got a little frustrating at times. He wasnt as understanding as I thought hed be. Then thered be guys who fans and he didnt know how to handle them and was always feeling disrespected instead of not taking it personally. In that aspect, it kind of made it hard because he didnt understand a lot of things that were going on. He didnt understand a lot of the ways that I had to go about handling things. It didnt work out and that was a lot of the reason why.
Meagan Good
8 Likes
I think the idea of falling in love, I mean, that never gets old for me. I think that its fascinating in one's personal life. And its such an enduring and universal concept because, I mean, who knows how to really integrate someone else fully into their life? Im always fascinated by that balance and who that person is, and even in my own life that balance. And it's always so inspiring, and yet you never stop thinking if that person is there, that somehow you can make it work, either if its something that you're in right now or that youll find that person out there...And that fantasy that someone will come along and unlock all of the doors that are locked inside of you, and that will kind of solve a lot of the issues, solve your problems. I like that fantasy. And I think thats another reason why the stories of Nicholas Sparks are so popular, because thats just so deeply ingrained, at least in my psyche, and [for] a lot of people. I just find that inspiring, you know, that that does happen, that you can open yourself up and be caught and be loved and cared for.
Taylor Schilling
22 Likes
""Money is your means of survival. The verdict you pronounce upon the source of your livelihood is the verdict you pronounce upon your life. If the source is corrupt, you have damned your own existence. Did you get your money by fraud? By pandering to men's vices or men's stupidity? By catering to fools, in the hope of getting more than your ability deserves? By lowering your standards? By doing work you despise for purchasers you scorn? If so, then your money will not give you a moment's or a penny's worth of joy. Then all the things you buy will become, not a tribute to you, but a reproach; not an achievement, but a reminder of shame. Then you'll scream that money is evil. Evil, because it would not pinch-hit for your self-respect? Evil, because it would not let you enjoy your depravity? Is this the root of your hatred of money?"
Ayn Rand
14 Likes
Money quotes
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Actors didn't use to be celebrities. A hundred years ago, they put the theaters next to the brothels. Actors were poor. Celebrities used to be kings and queens. Then the United States abolished monarchy, and now there's this coming together of show business and celebrity. I don't think it's healthy. I don't want to sound self-important, but all these celebrity shows and magazines, it comes from us, from Hollywood, from our country. We're the ones creating it. And I think it works in close step with a lot of other bad things that are happening in the world. It promotes greed, it promotes being selfish and it promotes this ladder, where you're a better person if you have more money. It's not at all about the work itself. Don't get me wrong. I love movies. But this myth of celebrity has nothing to do with movies.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
8 Likes
Love is hard. But anything worthwhile is, right? When shit hits the fan, and youre hurt beyond all belief, and youre crying and screaming and wanting to beat them because of what they did, but all you can think of is finding out why they did it, working on your relationship, and putting everything in the past to start all over again it doesnt make you stupid or weak. Just know that. It makes you stronger than most, because you wont give up. All your thoughts turn on you, other people throw their advice at you whether theyve been in a similar situation or not, and the only person you want to talk to is the one who hurt you; thats real. That means something. And if they dont want to work on it with you, then you just need to hold your head up high and move on, because fu.. everyone else, at least you tried. Youre stronger than you think. If youre in a committed relationship, married or not, if you love each other, and I mean TRULY in love with each other, you can make it through
Unknown
130 Likes
Love quotes
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I cannot write music. I cannot play the piano. Jayne Meadows I just loved and love life. I love it today. Jayne Meadows I never look at a note. I just roam the stage. The people do not want to leave. Jayne Meadows I never say a funny thing intentionally. Jayne Meadows I respect his talents, even as he does mine. Jayne Meadows I was born and raised in China, and my parents were missionaries. Jayne Meadows I would write plays for my grandmother, who was stone deaf, my mother and the dog, that was our audience. Jayne Meadows Marriage, even the best marriages are tough. Jayne Meadows My father was a good preacher and had a little bit of drama. Jayne Meadows My mother was the dearest, sweetest angel. She didn't talk; she sang. She was a tower of strength. Jayne Meadows Steve is very quiet, even shy. I am very gregarious. So, opposites. Jayne Meadows The best people I know have had a lot of obstacles to overcome. Jayne Meadows There is only one secret. To love what you are doing.
Jayne Meadows
5 Likes
HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments --a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling --tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility --these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ --4t
Ambrose Bierce
14 Likes
Funny quotes
Age quotes
single life is warm breeze you can do your own thing, go as you please, date whoever, make no committed too yourself as you please, you don't have worry about get used, cheat on, lie on, no stress on your mind, no tears on your face falling down, no arrow destroy your heart, happyniess can restore your pain, you can work on yourself and goals. Downfall of being single; not having someone holding you at night when your days and good days, support you in your dreams, your job, understanding, tell you when you are wrong and congrats you when you right, communicate with you, uplift your spirits when you are out place, having someone love for who you are, and you do the same for them, be your backbone when you need it, someone make you happy and smile, compromise things as couple, you cry they comfort you, give you advice, hugs, give you compliments, protection, maybe stay faithful too you.
Unknown
124 Likes
Single Life quotes
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Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity..
Unknown
10 Likes
Stupid quotes
Funny quotes
I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favour in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau
5 Likes
Dreams quotes
Direction quotes
There was a girl I knew who always wanted to be the one to stand out from the crowd Always believed that she was gonna live her dreams That what went down was gonna come around For all the doubters, non-believers, the cynicals that once were dreamers One of these days you'll open up your eyes And you'll realize [Chorus:] That girl was a one time teenage drama queen A hot, tough everyday wannabee But she'll have changed her destiny Now she's a somebody That girl was a wild child dreamer but she'll find herself 'Cause she believes in nothin' else And you'll look back and you won't believe That girl was me Armed with an attitude that she knows how to use She's gonna get there any way she can Now she knows what she wants No one is gonna stop her Nothing's ever gonna hold her down For all the doubters, non-believers the cynicle that once were dreamers One of these days you'll know that you were wrong (who would've know) [Chorus] [Spoken] Life is a work of art- you gotta paint it colorfu
Lindsay Lohan
6 Likes
Destiny quotes
There was a girl I knew who always wanted to be the one to stand out from the crowd Always believed that she was gonna live her dreams That what went down was gonna come around For all the doubters, non-believers, the cynicals that once were dreamers One of these days you'll open up your eyes And you'll realize [Chorus:] That girl was a one time teenage drama queen A hot, tough everyday wannabee But she'll have changed her destiny Now she's a somebody That girl was a wild child dreamer but she'll find herself 'Cause she believes in nothin' else And you'll look back and you won't believe That girl was me Armed with an attitude that she knows how to use She's gonna get there any way she can Now she knows what she wants No one is gonna stop her Nothing's ever gonna hold her down For all the doubters, non-believers the cynicle that once were dreamers One of these days you'll know that you were wrong (who would've know) [Chorus] [Spoken] Life is a work of art- you gotta paint it colorfu
Lindsay Lohan
13 Likes
Destiny quotes
Soul quotes
With everything going on in this world. All the people with hate in their hearts, and minds, and still the focal point is the lies about me. You've made a mistake by messing with someone, who doesn't give a crap what you say. Here's my message, hear me out. I'm only saying this once. I don't give a shit about your insecurities. Your attempts to get my attention doesn't bother me, but when you crossed that line and dragged my name through the dirt, believe me girl you're gonna feel all my hurt. I work hard for the things that are in my hands. You seem to think that the scene you've made will somehow,some way cause me so much pain. I don't think you understand all your lies and shenanigans won't make me give a damn. It's all just a freaking scam. So I'll keep on living and keep on giving. We got one life to live, I won't be stopped with all your fibbing!
Unknown
165 Likes
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