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I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
Dane Cook
76 Likes
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen
12 Likes
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Bob Monkhouse
145 Likes
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Prostitutes are way better than marriage. Why buy a whole cow, when you only want a glass of milk?
Unknown
70 Likes
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
93 Likes
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I wonder what Soulja Boy ate for breakfast today...YOOOOUUUUUUUUU , Soulja Boy is a cannibal.
Ramandeep Singh
189 Likes
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I miss you like a mexican without a border.
Unknown
95 Likes
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W.I.F.E = Washing, Ironing, F*cking, Etc.
Unknown
61 Likes
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What is the use of being in a relationship without cheating , I mean like dating is a game and every game has its cheats.
Unknown
174 Likes
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I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'
Bob Newhart
35 Likes
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It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'
Unknown
63 Likes
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Men are like puppies, adorable, then you take them home and they crap over everything you ever treasured.
Unknown
230 Likes
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What's the difference between Justin Bieber and an abortion? I'd pay to see an abortion.
Amit Verma
78 Likes
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I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings and so on, so on, you get it.
Unknown
291 Likes
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Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.
Marilyn Monroe
3994 Likes
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