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Chelsea Handler Pitch Perfectnights Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Chelsea Handler Pitch Perfectnights" sorted by relevance. 258 matching entries found.
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My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Chelsea Handler
31 Likes
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having s.., which is definitely not the case.
Chelsea Handler
3 Likes
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
Chelsea Handler
14 Likes
My father has a high opinion of his opinion.
Chelsea Handler
7 Likes
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler
25 Likes
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My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Chelsea Handler
20 Likes
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Chelsea Handler
17 Likes
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
Chelsea Handler
6 Likes
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
Chelsea Handler
16 Likes
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and g....fruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that g....fruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
Chelsea Handler
10 Likes
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Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
Chelsea Handler
17 Likes
Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.
Chelsea Handler
21 Likes
I will probably have s.. with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Chelsea Handler
10 Likes
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
Chelsea Handler
8 Likes
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
Chelsea Handler
9 Likes
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler
31 Likes
I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, Im drinking so that youre more fun to be around.
Chelsea Handler
73 Likes
Funny quotes
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I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
Chelsea Handler
37 Likes
Gay quotes
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My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.
Chelsea Handler
20 Likes
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
Chelsea Handler
43 Likes
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