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Steven Wright Dicti Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Steven Wright Dicti" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
1 Likes
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.
Steven Wright
16 Likes
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
1 Likes
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright
10 Likes
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
27 Likes
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Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Steven Wright
4 Likes
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
41 Likes
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
81 Likes
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
0 Likes
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
8 Likes
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
1 Likes
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
Steven Wright
72 Likes
Funny quotes
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
8 Likes
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
1 Likes
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
1 Likes
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
18 Likes
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
1 Likes
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
6 Likes
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
47 Likes
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright
2 Likes
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