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Jack Handy Ne Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Jack Handy Ne" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Jack Handy
7 Likes
Love quotes
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
Love quotes
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
13 Likes
Love quotes
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Jack Handy
3 Likes
Love quotes
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars
Jack Handy
5 Likes
Thinking quotes
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Boxing quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Love quotes
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handy
16 Likes
Laughter quotes
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
Jack Handy
19 Likes
Death quotes
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
Jack Handy
11 Likes
Money quotes
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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
Jack Handy
12 Likes
Opera quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
Jack Handy
29 Likes
Relationships quotes
Richness quotes
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
2 Likes
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
0 Likes
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Money quotes
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And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Money quotes
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Love quotes
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks
Jack Handy
11 Likes
Love quotes
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
Jack Handy
7 Likes
Love quotes
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Jack Handy
18 Likes
Love quotes
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