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Doctor Funny Jokesctor Funny Jokesunny Jokes Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Doctor Funny Jokesctor Funny Jokesunny Jokes" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
152 Likes
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Dear metabolism, I'll miss you...
Unknown
58 Likes
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I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.
Brett Butler
200 Likes
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I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Garry Shandling
103 Likes
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My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
Elayne Boosler
66 Likes
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
Unknown
124 Likes
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People may think he's not perfect but in my mind he's beyond perfect when you're able to look into his eyes and see the real him. Having his arms wrapped around you because he cares more about you than anything, the way he says I love you and those cute little inside jokes nobody else would understand the way he giggles at your jokes even when they aren't even funny or the way he talks about you to his friends it makes you realize how much he means to you. His flaws make him perfect and when I'm around him I feel like everything's okay again and he's the solution to all my problems.
Unknown
564 Likes
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They say you shouldn't lie to your doctor. But admit it, if they ask if you've ever had s.., and your mom is right there, you're gonna say no.
Risa Schizophrenia
517 Likes
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I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
Anonymous
106 Likes
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What is the best s..ual position to create a gorgeous, charming absolutely attractive and cute baby?.... Ask my parents!
Unknown
201 Likes
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I'm the kind of person who would come out of the gym...And go straight to McDonalds.
Unknown
157 Likes
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Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper
21 Likes
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
409 Likes
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My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
Wendy Leibman
111 Likes
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French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the g.... treaders' sit-in.
Ronnie Corbett
23 Likes
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Dear math, grow up and solve your own stupid problems I'm sick and tired of doing it for you!
Unknown
195 Likes
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I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
Dane Cook
76 Likes
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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Ronnie Corbett
75 Likes
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I had plenty of pi.ples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
87 Likes
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Im afraid of three things: Women, snakes, and the police. They all have the ability to hurt me and make it look like it was my fault.
Nikhil Saluja
308 Likes
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