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Jack Handy New Years Day Resolution Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Jack Handy New Years Day Resolution" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars
Jack Handy
5 Likes
Thinking quotes
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For my new year's resolution, I promise to stop correcting your terrible spelling and focus more on your horrific grammar.
Unknown
20 Likes
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My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs.
Unknown
21 Likes
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Sorry that, statistically speaking, you probably won't fulfill your resolution.
Unknown
8 Likes
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My excuses for already failing my New Year's resolution are more complicated than the fiscal cliff deal.
Unknown
22 Likes
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Boxing quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Love quotes
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
Jack Handy
29 Likes
Relationships quotes
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I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
Jack Handy
19 Likes
Death quotes
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
Jack Handy
11 Likes
Money quotes
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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
Jack Handy
12 Likes
Opera quotes
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handy
16 Likes
Laughter quotes
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
2 Likes
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields
0 Likes
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks
Jack Handy
11 Likes
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If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
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If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Jack Handy
15 Likes
Love quotes
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
Jack Handy
7 Likes
Love quotes
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Jack Handy
8 Likes
Money quotes
Every year you make a resolution to change yourself. This year make a resolution to BE yourself!
Abhishek Tiwari
18 Likes
New Years Resolutions quotes
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