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Funny New Year Jokes Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Funny New Year Jokes" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tommy Cooper
44 Likes
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So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Tommy Cooper
17 Likes
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Did you hear about the new reversible jackets? I can't wait to see how they turn out.
Nikhil Saluja
226 Likes
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
47 Likes
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Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
Mike Wilmot
89 Likes
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New opinions often appear first as jokes and fancies, then as blasphemies and treason, then as questions open to discussion, and finally as established truths.
George Bernard Shaw
306 Likes
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It's funny how you go through the year day by day but nothing changes, then when you look back, everything's different.
Ritu Ghatourey
205 Likes
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It's funny how a hello is always accompanied with a goodbye. It's funny how good memories can make you cry, it's funny how forever never seems to last, it's funny how much you would lose if you forgot about your past, it's funny how friends can just leave when you're down, it's funny how when you need someone they never are around, it's funny how people change and think they're so much better, it's funny how some many lies are packed into one love letter, it's funny how one night can hold so much regret, it's funny how you can forgive but not forget, it's funny how ironic life turns out to be, but the funniest part of all, is that none of that is funny to me.
Unknown
565 Likes
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Dear metabolism, I'll miss you...
Unknown
58 Likes
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper
44 Likes
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Billy Connolly
32 Likes
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
152 Likes
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Boy: Why can't tampons talk? Girl: Because they're stuck up bi...es.
Dylan Nace
227 Likes
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I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Garry Shandling
103 Likes
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I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Tommy Cooper
41 Likes
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle
47 Likes
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Today is a leap year and women are supposed to pluck up some courage and propose to their man! Guys will be avoiding their woman today.
Unknown
20 Likes
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Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Johnny Carson
11 Likes
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Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.
Brooks Atkinson
9 Likes
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Much joy to you in the up coming year. May the warmest wishes, happy thoughts and friendly greetings come at New Year and stay with you all the year through.
Unknown
19 Likes
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